Rather than adding on, experience the power of letting go
Happy New Year and happy new decade! January brings an incredible opportunity for renewal and restoration as we enjoy the quiet of winter and look ahead to the growth of spring. While many people set goals during this season, and add to their list of to-dos, it can also serve us to focus on the power of letting go.
I am not knocking goals at all. I believe goals can help us focus on the future and where we want to grow. However, for people recovering from trauma, lofty goals can often feel like burdensome “shoulds” rather than inspiring wants.
In contrast, letting go can help us free up mental space and energy to move forward in a healthier way.
Making space
We humans have an uncanny ability to hold onto negative emotions. In fact, our brains are wired to retain negative experiences more easily than positive ones. That wiring might help us avoid similar threats in the future, but holding onto that negativity can also keep us in a down or anxious state more often than not.
In addition, as odd as it might sound, our negative memories and thought patterns sometimes become a security blanket of sorts. We become so used to repeating the ugly story to ourselves and others than it becomes increasingly difficult to give it up. Trauma becomes such a big part of who we are that we sometimes forget everything else that makes us individuals or that brings us joy.
The trauma experiences that are a part of your story will never go away. However, once the emotions are attended to and integrated, the negative symptoms diminish and allow space for you to encode new positive experiences and memories.
Embracing forgiveness – and reframing forgiveness
I read an article recently from a trauma therapist who says she doesn’t use the word “forgiveness” with her clients. Forgiveness is a vital part of recovery, but that can feel inauthentic for many people who have experienced trauma.
She writes:
“The people I work with in the therapy room are resilient and courageous. They are able to work through their traumas, but many get caught up on one point: They believe they are supposed to forgive the perpetrator but can’t seem to get there. This is what I tell them: You don’t have to forgive in order to move on.”
Instead, she says, she encourages people to release their anger “without criticism or expectation of what comes next.” She prompts individuals to rename forgiveness with a more comfortable word, such as unburdening.
That subtle shift in language can help a person in trauma recovery see the forgiveness process as more of a benefit to themselves vs. an expression of amnesty toward the person who inflicted pain and suffering.
Harvard Health cites studies that show how forgiveness can positively impact your health:
“Practicing forgiveness can have powerful health benefits. Observational studies, and even some randomized trials, suggest that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility; reduced substance abuse; higher self-esteem; and greater life satisfaction.”
If you are comfortable with the word forgiveness, use it. If not, try to rename it and reframe it.
Whatever you call it, unburdening or forgiveness can become a meaningful form of letting go of past pain and regaining your own power. When you actively choose to let go of a memory’s control over your emotions and thoughts, you develop a renewed sense of strength and resilience.
How to Let Go
The letting go process does not necessarily need to involve anyone else but you. You can choose to unburden or forgive during a private moment of journaling, for example. However, talking through the process with a trusted professional, family member or friend can help you feel stronger and more confident in your resolve to let go.
Support groups in particular can create an environment that feels safe enough to share, and to let go, with people who have similar painful life experiences. In addition, talking with a therapist or an alternative health practitioner can offer a guided experience as you learn to let go.
Whatever method(s) you choose, know that letting go of pain and trauma can take time. It’s not a one-shot deal. You won’t be erasing your memory of what happened, but you will begin to feel the weight of it lifting.
If you would like to learn more about #HER support groups and/or Splankna therapy for trauma, contact me today. I specialize in helping people develop resilience by releasing stuck trauma and emotions.