Save your marriage before it starts with these marriage 101 skills
Photo by Alekon pictures on Unsplash
You’re newly engaged. Congratulations! This exciting time in a couple’s life should bring a sense of joy and hope as you look toward the future together. The steps you take now can set the stage for a long, healthy and happy partnership, and brushing up on your Marriage 101 skills should rank as high on your priority list as the wedding guest list.
Planning a Marriage
If you type the phrase “newly engaged” into Google, the top search results will point you toward wedding planning sites and bridal magazines. You can read every one of this season’s wedding checklists and scour the “what not to do” commentary, but don’t get lost in the event planning.
Yes, you want your day to reflect the joy you feel as a happy couple, and you want to look back on the moment you said “I do” with a fond smile. However, you should view your wedding as Day 1 of the rest of your life.
What happens on Day 2 and beyond? Planning for those days now will help you establish some good couple habits and break some of the bad habits that cause conflict for so many couples.
Start with Yourself
A strong marriage begins with two healthy individuals who remain committed to their own growth and learning. While we take vows to stick by our spouse “for better or for worse,” working on ourselves can help ensure more “better” days together.
In my practice, I work with individuals who have experienced past trauma. That work can help people move past the pain of replaying and recalling that trauma – toward a place of deeper understanding and healing. While the trauma will never go away completely, we can work to clear out how it is stored in your body so that you are no longer triggered. Resilience and change happens, helping an individual open up to stronger relationships.
Even if you have not experienced trauma, you can invest in your own well-being and personal outlook on life. Through introspection, prayer and practice, you can smooth out some of your own rough edges that might become barriers to forming a healthy marital bond.
Good Marriage Habits
When two people join together in love and marriage, that partnership can create something greater than the sum of its parts. Two people in a committed union can create such beauty together.
Below are some of the good marriage habits that lead to that beautiful union:
Connect every day. Whether you walk the neighborhood, sit down for a meal (without screens!), share a project or hobby, or pray together, shared moments will help you strengthen your bond each and every day.
Speak up. Ask for what you need in clear terms, and also remember to ask what your partner needs. It’s too easy to let our true needs go unnoticed, and your partner won’t know them unless you share.
Check in. Send a text, leave a note or take time out to simply ask how your spouse’s day is going. These small check-ins let your partner know that he/she is on your mind.
Speak with kindness. The words you choose can make a big difference in how close you feel to your partner. Offer compliments freely and always speak from a place of respect and love.
Express gratitude. Please and thank you are not just for your grandmother. Show your partner gratitude and appreciation every day.
Play. Playfulness and fun should play a role in your marriage. Find ways to enjoy each other, and life, whenever you can. Life doesn’t have to be somber or serious all the time.
Listen. When life does get difficult and serious, be there for your spouse. Listen with an open heart and offer your support through the tough times.
Balance togetherness and individual interests. Both individuals should make time for themselves and activities they enjoy. A good marriage allows space for two people to be themselves while together or while enjoying separate activities.
Make plans. Talk about your plans and dreams for the future. Setting shared goals and working together to achieve them will bring you closer.
Tending to your relationship each day will help you develop and deepen the love you feel right now as a newly engaged couple. New love will strengthen and grow into a beautiful mature love with the right care.
Bad Marriage Habits
Combining two separate lives also leads to inevitable conflict and misunderstanding. No marriage is sunshine and roses all the time, but there are some behaviors that can cause your partnership to become stuck and unhealthy.
Here are some of the bad marriage habits to avoid:
Holding a grudge. We all argue, but how we recover from an argument determined whether we move ahead feeling heard and loved vs. disconnected. When you argue, talk it out, listen with love and let go of resentment once it’s over.
Needing to be right. Pride can cause a deep rift between a couple. Even if you disagree with your partner, always listen to his or her perspective. Your love and respect for your spouse should always win out over your need to be right.
Name calling. This one ties into the good habit of speaking with kindness. Decide now that you and your partner will never, ever resort to name-calling in your marriage. Disrespectful names have no place in a healthy marriage.
Keeping secrets. Starting a marriage with secrets is a recipe for mistrust. Share the big stories from your past with openness and honesty, and agree as a couple to maintain that open communication throughout your marriage. Learning how to talk through some of the tough stuff leads to a greater sense of intimacy and trust with the person you have chosen as your life partner.
Withholding affection. Love relationships thrive on acts of affection and love. Neglecting romance and affection will create a divide that can be difficult to overcome.
It goes without saying that abuse, physical or verbal, has absolutely no place in a marriage. If you have experienced abuse in your relationship, reach out for support.
Marriage Coaching for Success
Before you walk down the aisle, consider working with a marriage coach. That person can guide you through the healthy habits that will start your marriage on the right note.
A marriage coach will include both individuals in a series of sessions focused on practical communication and relationship skills that you can use for years to come.
To learn more about my approach to pre-marriage coaching, contact me. I work with pre-engaged or newly engaged couples in the Denver area and over Zoom. I begin with looking at the mindsets, personalities, expectations, attitudes, and dynamics that will blend together in marriage.