It’s not a perfect marriage, but that’s not the goal anyway
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
In my practice, I have encountered so many couples seeking what we all want – a deeper connection with their partner as they navigate this life together. The goal is not a perfect marriage, but an authentic relationship that allows each partner to feel safe and supported.
Marriage is a sacred bond between two imperfect people. That bond allows each partner to grow and flourish as individuals while also creating a whole bigger than its parts. In our human experience, life gets downright messy sometimes, but a healthy partnership can help us face any challenge that might come. Your marriage can become a safe harbor in any storm.
Coming Together After Trauma Healing
In my work, I often meet individuals who have experienced past trauma. We work together to “clear the decks” with Splankna and other energy- and brain-based healing methods. As the individual gains the tools for working through trauma and recovering from painful memories, he or she then feels more confident addressing other challenges – including marital issues.
Especially in the wake of trauma for one or both parties, communication can unravel. Once individuals have begun their journeys toward personal healing, it opens up new possibilities for deepening and strengthening a marriage bond.
Dr. Julie Gottman, renowned clinical psychologist and relationship expert uses an ice bucket as a metaphor for couples who have experienced the effects of trauma or PTSD:
“So, what I imagined with the metaphor of a bucket of ice water is that when an individual has been traumatized, they’re being asked, alone, to carry this big, heavy bucket of ice water – which is kind of off balance and it’s very difficult for that individual to carry it alone. And every now and again, the ice water splashes around, splashes all over them, and leads them to freeze, to be cold, to be wet, to feel horrible and to shiver with the discomfort and distress.
That’s the triggering of a trauma that is part of what somebody experiences in PTSD. And I imagined also that when a couple is dealing with a trauma together, then each one has a hand on the handle of the bucket…It’s much easier to do with two people on either side of that bucket than doing alone off-balance.”
Couples can come together like that in so many aspects of life. They can share the load together and lighten the burden for each other along the way.
As an individual begins to see a pathway through – and past – trauma, he or she can begin to imagine a future full of more hope, love, joy and purpose. And to share all of those positive moments in life with a loving and supportive spouse can make them even sweeter.
The Couple Journey
As you know, a marriage only begins with the words “I do.” All the love, hope and promise you felt on your wedding day can follow you throughout your journey together. Sometimes, you have to dig a little to find those moments, especially when life gets...real. However, you can learn to say “I do” today and every day after that. With love, and a little work, all things are possible.
Working with a marriage and family coach gives couples structure for setting joint goals. A relationship coach will help spouses assess what they want out of their marriage and their lives. Together, they will create an action-oriented plan for how to achieve those goals.
Your marriage coach will help you:
Create a joint vision for the future of your marriage
Identify current habits that might prevent you from forging a strong couple bond
Learn practical communication strategies to break through barriers
Find common ground and develop shared goals
Pinpoint each individual’s needs and strengths and how they support the marriage
Analyze personality trait dynamics using Enneagram or other assessment.
Develop spiritual rhythms that promote calm and connection
Along the way, you will each discover points of commonality – the shared values, interests and personality traits that brought you together in the first place. You will also uncover differences you might not have fully appreciated before. Both your similarities and differences can serve to strengthen your marriage, if you learn how to honor them together.
When you begin with a goal of creating a healthy and strong lifetime bond, and let go of the idea of a perfect marriage (or perfect spouse), you can create something even more beautiful than you ever imagined.
As a certified marriage and family coach, life coach and Master level certified Splankna Practitioner, I work with people who want to break free from negative cycles in their lives. Reach out to me to learn more about how marriage coaching can help you and your spouse develop a stronger bond.